“There are times when the mind is dealt such a blow it hides itself in insanity. While this may not seem beneficial, it is. There are times when reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind.”
-Patrick Rothfuss
A blow
How many times has that happened? I’ve had the honor to work with some pretty extraordinary individuals.
One of them would call it “being an astronaut.” Always in the clouds. Choosing to blackout and lose all focus of the present moment. I find myself doing that a lot. It’s true. The benevolent process of always not being there, somehow sufficed. Running and not facing.. what I was feeling, what had happened, and what I was scared of most. Myself.
The other, has so much compassion for the lost spirit. Reminded me to use my breath and awareness to always come back home. Showing me simple tools to appreciate what is actually happening right now instead of what happened so long ago. I remember how uncomfortable and weary I was about ‘coming home’ and what that actually meant.
The other, overlooked the pain and went directly to my physical body convinced the healing hid there. Utterly aloof to the reality of what coarsed through my veins. This soul, must have been partially asleep or maybe just resting on a different vibration. Albeit, still a teacher.
The other, decorated the story of what was being felt with so much emotion and twisted it with contracts of what was given at such an early age. To challenge that, was considered unacceptable. In my opinion, caked with blinders. Like the ones they put on horses to keep their attention on what’s in front of them, and to indefinitely not SPOOK!
It’s a quadruple-edged sword but the end result is uncanny.
Someone told me, to eliminate the thought, of not being able to surpass your teacher.
It took me a while to digest it.. but, it is extremely powerful advice. And it takes strict will-power to become a master. To be above the students, while at the same time share your humility and personal lessons to connect on a deeper level. Part of being a teacher, is sharing your tricks and daily practices. There’s a certain amount of self-love and integrity that aids in this cocktail. Self-respect and the ability to break the fuck down. Because you’ve been pushed so far, and somehow you start to remember why you were running in the first place.
A blow to the mind doesn’t happen everyday…
It sure can last a lifetime or many many of years though.
So, you might ask…
What is it, am I running from?
… or you might even ask yourself the same question.
Sometimes, I didn’t really know.
Sometimes it hit me in the face like a ton of bricks.
Pieces of me have been running for so long, I forget why. The brave parts that ask to be seen…
They come through
My tears,
My smile,
My cowardly demeanor,
A deepened part of my yoga practice when I pay attention to FEELING.
It’s hard for me to feel
Like I’ve said, pieces of me have been running for years.
Put that in the Guinness Book of World Records.
But I’ve met others that have been running even longer.
In AA, I learned the definition of insanity.
Insanity: the state of being seriously mentally ill; madness
To do the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.
That’s the part of me, reliving the horror.
My horror.
You try to tell your story, and they end up being just words to others. A walk in the park. But to you…
Their real
They always have been and will be
But one thing I’ve learned is that the horro doesn’t have to continue.
I’m not the same woman I was 5 years ago.. even 5 minutes ago.
The blow
Still attacks at my weakest point
But, I have the ability and
CHOICE
To remember
The horror isn’t still happening.
The horrow or blow to the mind could be as simple as my sister stealing my favorite toy.
Which now, as a woman, makes me feel that my best friend is taking my favorite necklace.
Because it’s mine, and it’s special
I sound like a little girl.
It could be, saying NO over and over without your words ever being heard.
Now you repeat what it is you want and find yourself with less and less or the feeling of worthlessness.
It could start with innocent photos for a fashion show and become a life story of exploiting your body for validation or revenge.
You could start with being the All-Star and find yourself self-abusing because you were always under the spotlight, or should I say microscope.
You could give you entire heart and watch the next few maybe 50 years play out infront if you, forgetting the most important part about life… change. Your left with an empty story and everything you don’t have.
The stories will always twist and turn and keep distinctive details that other stories don’t have.
The only thing is, they share the same feelings.
After years of yoga, hundreds of meetings of AA, women’s groups, meditation groups, psychologist’s appointments, doctors upon doctors, dozens of Sunday’s at church, months of conversations with my best friends, and broken moments on floor…
I realized, the story will always be different.
But the feeling…
The heartache
The sadness
The regret
The I’m not good enough
The no light at the end of the tunnel
The fear
Of talking about it
Of opening up
Sharing what I felt…
With who?
Reliving the stories
Reliving the memories
Remembering the horrors
That have been pushed down so far
For so long,
And everything in between.
Insanity exists
Healing exists
This moment
And exploring the unknown
With curiousity
Instead of fear or erasing it
Is the only medicine I know.
Not pills, booze, sex, relationships, food, friends, or social media.
You find the truth in your heart
The quiet moments
You actually give your heart a voice
You put the story on pause
And just simply listen
To the good and the bad
Just listen
To your own heartbeat
To the story your telling yourself
And you let it beat
No running
No astronauting
No poor me
No playing like it’s not there
And no falsifying what your not knowledgeable in.
You let it play
And find WHY
Your not strong enough to deal with it.
You might find that you are
Being brave
Is facing fear
Is facing horrors
Is facing blows
Physically, mentally, and spiritually
Our journey is to define which battle we are facing.
And how to not just defeat it but how to take a breath and not run.
It will hurt
It will be uncomfortable
It will provoke you
It can scare you
But just remember
It won’t last as long as you’ve been holding onto it for.
ALLOW your body to release them
Imagine
A confident, SANE, sexy, humorous, bold, outgoing, and cheerful being full of love.
We have one life to live
Choose sanity
Choose love
Choose compassion
Choose humor
Choose confidence
And choose to choose
The blows will only last as long as you let them.
Namaste,
Hot Sauce