Yoga is a powerful vehicle for change. As you build strength, you start to believe in your own potential.
To all the Jaded Spirits:
I sit here tonight, like I used to many many nights before, and contemplate this world, this life, every beating being around me. When does it all stop? When do we get fucking real? This Retrograde has punctured my skin and penetrated my heart in unthinkable ways. Truthfully, I rolled my eyes at this Retrograde and thought “Eh, I’ll make it through this one just fine. ” Ha Hahahahaha! This time 5 planets retrograde at the same time. Keep rollin em… Seriously.
Snake Medicine is my ally. My saving grace. Shed and let go of what does not serve and TRANSFORM all the bullshit. How did she know that’s exactly what I needed. What we all need. Or maybe it’s like a secret gift to those who want more. The ones that refuse to give up and be sheep. I read one time… Somewhere… “It’s not our similarities that make us original, unique, or special. It’s our differences that set us apart.” I believe that whole heartedly. My frustration builds when someone thinks it’s the same tale and THINK they know. But ya don’t.
This world. This place. This life. Our planet. Our people. Our animals. Our water. Our collective… Has been out to lunch for way too long, eating fucking leftovers. No one wants a home cooked dish, made with love? With light? With beauty? With grace? Nah… Everyone wants to eat the bullshit, the media, the drama, the drugs, the sex, the fame, the ego, and the money.
All I’ve been yearning for…. Is a book.
A big fat juicy book.
I want friends who can tell their story and not let the story tell them.
I want family that has respect and wisdom.
I want someone to call me on my bullshit.
My mistakes, my failures and what I believe to be true.
Break me out of my reality and show me what TRUTH is. It hurts and believe me, it makes you think, when you surrender and actually submit to an outsider.
One of our biggest fear is that we are inadequate.
Our BIGGEST fear…… is that We are something GREAT!
To be that GREAT… I dunno if I can live up to the title.
It gets really simple when you eliminate all the bullshit. All the titles…. all the laws… all the contracts… of who I should be and actually who I am. When you think of yourself at your HIGHEST potential. Your Future-Self, the person you visualize and see in a future setting. What you could accomplish and what you could do, who you could be, is beyond anything you IMAGINE. We have how many breaths in a lifetime, we have a limited number of moments, a limited number of people that I would drop everything to be there for, a limited number dreams and aspirations, a limited number of failures and let downs, a limited number of beautiful qualities within, a limited number of souls that you will be able able to reach in the MAYBE 100 years you breathe this planet in.
But yet we give it all away…….
As much as I would like to say, We don’t know how to let go, We are MASTERS at evading TRUTH. Reality. Happiness. Gratitude. Because for me, it’s uncomfortable. I didn’t grow up with “Good feelings” and when I tap into that energy….. It almost HURTS. Its unknown.. Foreign. But I am supposed to feel it and welcome it?? C’mon. It almost hurts my soul. Through the pain, the shame, the guilt, the embarrassment, and joy-filled memories….I learn myself through every contact, every friend, evey foe, every family member, every student, any person that looks my way. I see your heart right through your eyes. I see the pain, the madness, I see the joy, I see the Maybe, What-ifs” and I tap into it. How Beautiful? How unique? How one-of-a-kind?
It’s always been me.
As much as I try to blame the Retrograde.
I tap into the gift.
The Retrograde slows down and gives you a moment to re-analyze every decision you made previously.
Instead of letting the Retrograde get the best of me… I CHOOSE to get the best of the Retrograde and go inside. Show me the parts I don’t want to see… SHOW me the pieces I overlook and make them beautiful.
As much as I’ve tried to overlook and think it doesn’t affect me.. I’ve embraced the beauty of the Retrograde.
This year, right now, I can say I am grateful for the pain, the struggle, the moments when I feel like I’ve lost it all. The magic stares me directly in the face and asks me… To get REAL.
To get HONEST
and to honor the shadow.
The moment I standstill and just LISTEN
Listen to my heart beat
Listen to the world around me
that maybe life isn’t always roses, unicorns, and magic.
Sometimes there is clarity and healing within the struggle.
When it gets uncomfortable and you face parts of yourself you would like to keep hidden, you heal.
You become an Alchemist
And all of a sudden your world becomes supernatural.
You access the quantum field and realize being in the moment is the MOST powerful energy.
My readers, the beautiful souls that read my words and take them to heart…. Thank you. It fills me with SO much gratitude to be heard and appreciated. I speak from my heart and lay down any doubt.. That its not good enough or I may offend someone. My writing reflects a statement of being true to myself and honest. Through my writing I find healing and inspire myself. Thank you for spending your time reading this post… I give you my heart and soul through each word.
and most importantly
Embrace the Retrograde and let it be a gift… Use it as medicine and be a warrior to see the parts that most look past. Breathe it in… And use it as power to fuel the soul.
Slow it down Baby
I always like to start my writing in Gratitude. Maybe its a secret but its more of a simple way of aligning my heart with the truth of my spirit. Effortlessly, I am able to tap into what it is that I really want to talk about and just letting my fingers go. Recently, I have noticed myself being behind schedule, going at my own pace. I always STOP and THINK what is the most healing gift I could give to myself right now? Feeling each step that I take.. Walking behind anyone that I am with and FEELING my feet graze the earth. KNOWING that She feels me on her belly. And that fills me up SO much… I am connected and FEEL down to my core how BIG this planet is…. How I am connected to the highest and best good beneath my feet with every single step.
This was the beginning of my journey to FREEDOM! I was rear-ended in my car for the 8th time. Real shit. Eight times and my anxiety began. My doctor thought the way to solve the problem, the pain, was by prescribing me with over 3,000 pain-killers, anti-anxiety, depression, sleeping pills; basically just to get me to shut up. I took them for 1 day and literally blacked out in my house. I don’t remember what happened that day…. and I said I was done with this treatment. I met with my Psychologist, the next day, and basically ran circles around her. She tried, and had the best intention, but I was on the move to healing and enlightenment.
Albeit, I was looking for something else. I went out to my car and decided not to get in, with the memory of the crash retracing every part of my mind. I glanced across the street and saw this unique little store that could take me away and escape my fear. Vision Quest, and yes I will. I walked in and started to explore whatever caught my eye. Mind you my uneasiness was THROUGH the roof and my pain exceeded any tattoo that I’d ever gotten. I walked in worriedly and started looking through the books…… I get lost when I see the cover and pages of these eloquent masterpieces. I shit you not, I didn’t touch the shelf or a book and it LITERALLY fell to my feet off the shelf. Of course, I picked it up and looked at it….. and then carefully placed it back on the shelf, as if no one saw, and moved on. I worked my way through this magical little store and moments after, a woman, met my eyes and honestly said ” You left your book!” Auspiciously I took it and said “Thank You, I appreciate it!” When she walked away…. I set it down. I meandered my way through this new shop and kept looking, completely ignoring what had just happened. A NEW woman that I’d never met before, walked up to me and said “Honey, you forgot your book.” I graciously took it and said to myself…”Fine, I will buy the book.”
I went home that day, just recently finishing Substance-abuse treatment. I did 2 years, completely, utterly, and honestly SOBER. I pride myself on the fact that for once in my life…. I officially gave up Marijuana and alcohol once and for all. Among a few other poisons that only lasted like a few faces in my life.
I will never forget the day I walked out of my counselor’s office. Every step I took, brought me to truth that I could actually stand on my own two feet as SCARED as I was. EVERY step that I took..I wanted to turn around and run home. Kim, was my safe place, and every inch I moved my cheeks met a new tear. It was a gift, that I didn’t think I would have every deserved, to have the counselor and the woman that I had each step of the way. Every piece in me wanted to relapse and run back, JUST so I had her in my life. She said the most admirable prayer and wished me the best as I left her office…saying that something would happen to me that day that would mark my path. In disbelief… I took EVERYTHING I had in me and walked out the door, regretting my departure. I found my car and fucking broke down…. to the point where I couldn’t barely breathe. What the fuck did the day have for me that would give me the love and the understanding she provided me with for 2 unforgettable years?
When I turned the key and the engine rumbled… The song turned on. Three Doors Down-She is love. I sobbed and screamed every word until my eyes were swollen and my voice gave way. I got home. My room-mate, my best friend, my soul-sister found me at the door to my house and greeted me with the BIGGEST and MOST comforting, needed hug that any best friend would give when you KNOW…. You just broke.
That day was monumental, It goes down in the books. I’ve never been SO grateful and SO loved by the people in my life, that I’ve imagined….as a little girl, that maybe I would be surrounded with a family.
It all started with one little book that I didn’t think I deserved.
It started with my counselor, that said I mattered.
It started when I picked up the pipe.
It started with every drink I slammed.
It REALLY started, when I said I DONE.
Done with the bullshit.
Done with the part of my spirit, that said “Do it, why not?”
That song will forever resonate with me and always hit home, HARD.
There is no woman in my life, no best friend that I could have asked for someone BETTER. I wouldn’t be the woman standing here today, that I am. Without them. Support is the key and so is family. Whether its blood. Or a soul that meets you, even if, its only for a moment in time.
Its always true.
I found my family, my trust, my soul, my truth in every person around me..that believed in me to be who I am. The beautiful souls that I met along my path forever changed my world, even if it was for only a second. Know that I didn’t forget. Nor will I ever.
Slow it baby, Slow it down
Remember all of those beautiful moments. Every moment that brought you back to me, we share an unforgettable memory that no one else could recreate or ever attain.
Slow it down and realize the beauty in your life. Notice the trees that say hello, the wind that whispers secrets in my ear, the sun that kisses my skin, and the music that speaks to my soul.
I can’t even begin to tell you,
I planted a seed.
I knew what I wanted.
My dreams became a reality
when I SLOWED down.
When I noticed my moment,
When I noticed I am happy
Therefore, I could be happy with someone else.
Not feeling like, I was missing out.
Or maybe there is someone better.
I realized that better, was right now.
If I didn’t STOP
and SLOW down
and let everyone around me
TELL me what I needed,
I would have walked down a dead-end,
I’m done with the dead-ends
I’m done with others telling me who I am
I’m done with others telling me what I need,
I’m done with others telling me what to think,
or how I should act,
how I should be,
What I am doing right,
or how I fucked up.
Ya know what?
I know who I am.
I know what I want.
I know who I love,
I know what is true,
I know what I want my life to be,
I know what my dreams are,
I know who I value,
and who values me,
even when I didn’t see it myself.
those DIVINE souls,
cradled and lifted me from the grave.
They called me out and slapped me in the face with some truth, when I was running.
I couldn’t FEEL pleasure or happiness,
if it decked me in the face.
It had happened too many times,
to even know that it was REAL.
All I knew how to do,
was KILL any feeling, any sensation, my breathe, my beauty, my essence, my spirit,
to get that piece of me
to shut the fuck up.
Just like my doctors.
Its a skill and a practice,
Believe me, it took everything inside me, to say NO.
Now it’s my favorite word.
NO I won’t
and NO you can’t live my life.
I got this.
I found my power,
And I will be the first to not let it go.
Slow it down, Baby
Just remember, that right now you are surrounded by
And anything your heart could ever imagine! I send every reader, each writer, the dreamers, creators, and manifestos, for anyone looking for SWEETNESS In your life. STOP and fucking look. It's right there, It's magic Right now is where you will find yourself. When you learn to see the Earth breathe.
it all in.
Art By: Seamless The Explorer
To those who wander, or feel lost at times, or the ones that just simply spend too much time in your head.
Pablo Neruda “Keeping Quiet”
…If we were not so single-minded
about keeping our lives moving,
and for once could do nothing,
Perhaps a huge silence
might interrupt this sadness
of never understanding ourselves
…Perhaps the earth can teach us
as when everything seems dead
and later proves to be alive.
As I try to call to mind when the shift happened, I catch myself already realizing that when it happened….doesn’t really matter. I quickly move into a space where I am filled with joy that it did happen, whenever that was.
The shift I am talking about, is the gift of silence or art of doing nothing.
A hunk of me recalls this deep desire and my body yearning for silence maybe a month ago after my Reiki Training; which energetically sent me to another realm and introduced me to the brilliant energy of Reiki,
No a year ago, when I moved to Las Vegas and pushed every boundary of comfort; I quickly found myself clenching for dear life,
No before that, it was after my yoga training in Texas that unraveled all my ribbons, tore me down, and shined light on a brand new person,
Wait, what about before that? It was at my first yoga training up here in Seattle. Remember that mess?
Go back Kase, before that I was in treatment and found time every day to be alone, so I wouldn’t blow the fuck up because I didn’t know how to feel my emotions let alone filter my mouth.
My mind reminds me of the car accidents, and all my teachers and doctors that ever so patiently rocked me back to straight again.
What about all the times in high school where I would trick myself into getting lost down roads I’ve never been on, just to smoke a fat bowl and run away from reality?
What about the times I wept under the covers for what I’d seen in the eyes of those around me, terrified and clueless how to fix such tragedy?
This is when my mind, wants to not go back. I wanna turn the “What if’s” off right now. I’ll humor the thought, maybe the embarrassment, or a little bit of shame, or hidden-guilt, or the secret I’d like to keep.
But, one more time.
Let’s stalk the fear and confront the thought.
Turn around and stop running.
The ungodly scream that will never leave my consciousness.
What do I do, What the FUCK do I do, What do I do, What do i do? OH MY GOD!
I think I was 7 years old.
Im ok. And I don’t have to go back anymore or live through the pain of yesterdays. It’s not happening anymore and actually right now I am curled up in my bed. Comforted by my soft blankets, as the Sun peaks through my window and dances on my skin, reminding me how absolutely beautiful this day is going to be.
Thoughts are just thoughts
Good, bad, ugly, and beautiful
I read that poem today and makes my heart smile just knowing what a simple phrase can do to you.
One of my crazily brilliant teachers would always say to me “Kasey, where are you? Are you here? Come back into your body.” She called it being an “Astronaut.”
I dig the comparison cause thats how I felt most of my life. Up there somewhere but anywhere from right here. That was the shift but more of a practice. Now a days, I get panicked if I am missing out on what is happening right in front of me. I don’t enjoy, most of the time, talking about the past or anything that I cannot see, hear, taste, or feel RIGHT NOW.
Its being sober but feeling like your high on drugs.
High on life.
When do you ever take the time to sit back and chill, and for the first time, watch a sunset?
Or watch the clouds as not only they drift by you but so does 3 hours, and got lost in a slow rolling movie?
When do you take the time to know every curve of your lover’s lips, so when you close your eyes, it’s like they are still right there smiling back at you?
Or take one moment, to stop and look in the mirror and say ‘Damn, Im sexy!”
What about becoming friends with the trees, spotting the ones that like where they are rooted and maybe the ones that feel suffocated by roads and people.
Even trees like the silence and you can see it in their branches.
The world around us becomes alive, when we just stop.
I find myself; always the last person to get there, the outlandish one that gets constantly side-tracked by flowers, avoiding libraries unless I can commit an easy 4 hours, and my eyes unceasingly hunting for every detail because I don’t want to miss out on the moment, right before me.
My guide: My Breath and we all have one.
I lose my breath then I lose the moment.
Follow your breath and be compassionate to yourself when something is so strong that it pulls your attention away from the present moment.
I truly believe, its a gift.
First, I want to thank each and every one of you for finding my site and taking the time to read the words of my spirit. I was literally in AWE when I checked my site! It went from 1 to 1,000 in what felt like a day. I send all my gratitude, love and light through each letter.
What sits on my heart this morning and probably rested there all weekend, is Be TRUE to thy self. Our lives are radically changing every time we breath or speak sweet nothings from the place that brings life. The sun comes up and greets us with juicy kisses on our skin each morning and the moon always finds the beauty in the chaos. These are my teachers and my best friends. I tell them my deepest darkest secrets since I’ve relinquished some very unique and incredible souls from my life. There is pain found within those secrets and pain found within the letting go. The only reason I did what I did, was for me.
No one knows the tears that have poured out the last couple months. The gut wrenching, twisting, fucked up feeling that subsides after a certain amount of time. I’ve been learning to ride MY wave. Clearing space in MY life, MY body, and MY mind for what does serve ME. The most important and sacred person I will continue to make space for…. is MYSELF. Through my heart and my truth I’ve grown so utterly close to the person I have ran away from for years.
Because I am fucking important.
I have a heart that runs as deep as the ocean. I have a mind that soars as high as the stars. I have a soul that illuminates like the Sun, my Ruler. I have endless stars surrounding me so faultlessly placed. Mother Earth below my feet, guiding me and holding me when I don’t want to take another step or my eyes create a waterfall to her belly.
I will not give up.
You see, the pain is not towards others; nor will you find anger, frustration, or rage discretely woven into the pain. I lean towards the compassion and understanding of YOUR pain. I see it and I’ve felt it like a tsunami beneath my skin. I FEEL your demons down to my core and all I want to do is take your hand and show you the way out. I want to dance among beautiful souls in this lifetime, free from worry, fear, shame, guilt, hate, jealously, worthlessness, and self-sabotage.
I want to be brilliant.
I want us to be brilliant.
And I know we will because I keep seeing it.
The magic is here and is patiently waiting for us to wake up!
Two days ago, I escaped for a minute because my soul was itching for love. I sat down on this curb in the neighborhood while everyone continued the conversation. The sun radiated warmth and comfort to assure me that I could let go, for just a moment, even with my sunglasses sitting next to me. I chose to accept the rays. My eyes gently kissed and I was off to the most breathtaking place I’ve ever seen in my life, my garden. No rules, no one to tell me what to do or who I am. I know and I can choose. The instant the door opens my cells begin to tango and as my foot graces the earth. My body ignites into a fire dance and I forget every thought, worry, or doubt. I make sounds that release the busyness or tension which come out just like the feeling.
I catch a glimpse of the moon, even though the sun in shining brilliantly. In my garden…..anything is possible. In my garden….. Pigs do fly! I dove into my pond that has multiple tiers and different levels that have accumulated over time. Different levels of healing and bliss that I’ve created or somehow just show up when I need them too. The water flooding my skin makes me feel sexy. Weightless and every changing. Reminding me that change is inevitable and I can love every piece of myself. Transform the badness into good medicine. The medicine that others can’t use against me to hurt me. Because, Guess What? Those scars, those secrets, that ugliness I wear it with pride and confidence; confidence that I know that may have been who I WAS. Those pieces of my heart and soul forever made this beautiful woman rise from the ashes. Rise from the dirt, the mud, and the molten lava.
I know its there
I choose today
to wear my beauty.
I choose to honor and love the pain just as much as I love and honor my beauty.
Just before I left this magical world….. My hummingbird danced with me. He filled my spirit with hope and the assurance to revel in beauty. Flying all through my energy field and pausing at my left ear. I nudged in his direction and helplessly lifted the corners of my lips into a smile.
This is what I deserve. Oh yeah, I remember
The best part is when I opened my eyes and the world was alive. The trees flowed with the wind, the birds were singing songs to the special few that took the moment to listen. The flowers swallowed the sunlight, the grass played red-rover with one another, and I felt the magic in my life. My eyes led me to a tulip across the way…. Where I saw him.
Our eyes met, and he came racing in my direction.
It was real and there he was. My doubts, fears, worries, responsibilities, and obligations faded away.
The hummingbird made my heart smile…. not just my mouth. He brought this day to day business to life. He reminded me to STOP and find the beauty in every moment. What they say is true and its there.
Lets share this magical precious life, our dreams, our passions, our fears, our million-dollar ideas, our stories, and our visions. Let’s be friends, brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, grandmothers, and grandfathers. Lets be us. Lets be together. Lets tear down the walls that we build up around us and not get lost in the chaos. Im guilty and find myself only seeing the issues and hurt and pain and nastiness but when I avert my eyes in a different direction, even for a moment, something shifts.
Without YOU, all of YOU…… I wouldn’t know myself.
So thank you, for sharing and showing up in every form good and bad. You help me see that there is no good or bad, black or white, up or down, better or worse. Everything just is and is waiting for us.
If I could gift anyone with anything…. I would gift you the strength to be true to yourself. Not what you could do but what is best for you.
Be true to yourself
and never forget if you want to be loved…. It starts with the person behind your eyes.
September 24, 2015
The Jackal and Me
Write a few paragraphs about your deep intensity of self. Don’t you see how your ego takes ahold of your conscious mind when you feel the most insecure or unsure? When is comes to your ego, what does it look like? Do you trust yourself?
Visualize your ego as an animal or as a character in your life. Let it take on a personality. Now have a conversation with it and discuss the absurdity and the seriousness of your life. Describe your ego self as the animal that you visualize. Your ego-animal represents your ego, which is vastly different than your inner core.
Ferocious, snarling, feisty, unexpected, terrifying, nightmarish, carefully positioned, lashes out, to quick to stop, deceiving, self-sufficient, lone rider.
Why do I fear you? Why do you terrify the way my dad used to? Why do I let you think I cant take another step forward? I feel backed into a corner while your mouth snarls and sprays saliva my way. You feet inch in closer, making me believe I have no other choice. I forget about my entire sense of self, my confidence, my dreams, my purpose, my strength, my tricks to deceive you. Why am I so afraid when I KNOW I can defeat you. I know I can get out and become your friend. I know that I can build your trust and make you see that I was never here to hurt you. You belong somewhere else, you hold a different role, and I respect that. I just wish we could be friends. I wish you supported me and for once protected me versus challenge me. I wish we could be a team instead of enemies. I wish you weren’t so alone, or a lone rider. I wish you could learn to trust me, I wish you could learn to be a friend of mine. I wish we had a different relationship and shared a desirable perspective that lifted both of our hearts.
What questions do you have? What do you want to know about me that you already don’t? What is your vulnerability and why are you so scared to show me that side of you? I let you see my frailties out of fear not vulnerability, I want you to know that I can still see yours. Even behind that snarls and intimidation. I see, we both just want love. We both want our voice to be heard, we both want to mean something. Otherwise, we lose our worth, and think we aren’t worth it. The role we play makes us a winner, even if the mask is ugly and threatening. Our pride has room to hide behind the threats. We feel powerful but behind all the bullshit, we are scared little babies that fear most of showing others our soft side. We Must be strong to defeat life… but its a lie. You and me, Ego, if that is your real name, believed that lie, for many years and still find that somewhere in our consciousness. We hold onto it for dear life. WE believe thats all we have left.
But ya kno what Jackal, we fucking have each other. We have had each other this entire time and we could have been doing this together. Why the fuck didn’t one of us Geniuses team up and be like “Hey Bitch, lets get real and lets get down like every heroine on Tv”. Lets ride, lets rolls, and lets start a new chapter.
and Hot Sauce
Round 2 Baby
October 24th, 2015
All of us can relate to the feeling of “holding on” so tightly to the things that no longer (or never did) serve us in our current lives.
So recently, I’ve been asking myself, “What am I ready to let go of?”
Ridiculously high standards that I have for myself?
Of needing to know the answer right now?
The committee in my head that doesn’t seem to Shut up?
Being compulsive for instant gratification?
Whatever it may be, take a deep breath, and ask your heart “what it is ready to let go of?” What is no longer serving you in your body, deep in our intimate thoughts, and what is dimming the light of your spirit? Get present and get curious.
Listen to the rhythm of your beating heart.
Listen to the soft and sweet voice in your head, that wants to be heard.
Feel your breath in a way that enlivens your spirit. By breathing consciously, your inhale lifts and stretches the body to the skies. With each exhale your body relinquishes every cell to the earth.
What do I need to let go of?
Maybe you don’t want to….but you need to
Yes, I know exactly the list of ‘let go’s’ that need to occur. I feel as though they are etched in my heart just waiting to be heard. This practice of LISTENING to my body has been challenging but definitely surmountable. The more I learn about what it likes, what is pleasurable, what fills me up, and what brightens my spirit….. the more juicy my practice gets. I get silly and super smiley when I nourish my heart, spirit, and body. I find myself being very playful and craving the corners of my lips to remain lifted up to my starry eyes.
Every month, somehow, I always find a way to this deep spiritual cleaning, re-aligning, editing my goals, and soul-searching moment. My eyes are always magnitized to the moon.
I am paralyzed under her light.
Its in these moments, something cleanses me to a cellular level. Something rocks my entire being and takes me to another place.
It is in these moments, I dig deeper and I hear her voice clearly. The trance continues and my body is led by my feet, my heart burns with yearning, and my Spirit guides me to truth.
I sit before the waves
There is this place, I like to think of as my own.
As these big burly, rolling, twisting, powerful waves relentlessly crash at the shore before my very feet….I begin to listen
Listen to the ‘let go’ of the waves
As forceful and scary as they can be coming into the shore, there is a graceful power about the water as it leaves the shore too.
I became fascinated with the sound the water makes on the pebbles as the shore let’s go.
Letting go is natural.
Letting go is raw.
Letting go can be soothing.
If the shore didn’t let the waves go, then….this moment and the magic in life would not be before me, right now.
The lesson in the waves, the sand, the pebbles, and the shore would be non-existent.
I realized letting go just clears space to invite the beauty into my life.
So today, honor that one piece in your heart that just wants to let go.
I sit here in front of my computer….
Enjoying my yogi green tea, embracing the beats of Santana. I look at the empty page and realize, this journey I am embarking on, closely relates the simplicity of this page.
But she holds magic.
Every key, every click, every racing thought, every distraction, has the potential and the grace to manifest beauty.
I talk about beauty ALOT. Not just physical beauty but beauty, BEAUTY. What do I mean by that?
Beauty to me, has evolved from what I used to think it meant.
After my last car accident, I was shattered into pieces. Literally. My body, mind, and spirit must have taken a hiatus from the constant polarity in my life. My ‘doctors’ prescribed me about 3,000 pain-pills, ordered cat-scans, MRI, X-rays, the whole nine. Considering my last surgery, the devastation of the role of “drug-addict”, I’d taken on, I wasn’t about to travel that path again. I was done hiding, I was done running, and being a bitch. I took matters into my own hands.
I found myself in a tiny studio in Seattle, with a Shaman. I remember when I pulled up that morning, the nerves couldn’t compete with the unbearable pain I chose to endure instead of wearing the mask.
I felt like this was my last resort.
I had a fabulous job with ass-loads of money, vacations always finding me, the perfect house, and two adorable little puppies. Not to mention, I was single and just ended a 3 year relationship with a phenomenal man and threw my sobriety down the drain. Two and half years clean and sober.
I couldn’t find a smile on my face if I tried.
I braced myself, and peeled my disheveled body out of the car, holding back 2,000 tears. I found my way to the door and began a journey to Beauty, little did I know.
When people talk about love, joy, pain, or the wind….We all know that those are things that are meant to be felt. Our eyes will always fall short to the captivation of emotions and nature. So when I first met Alisa, my eyes didn’t need to work.
I will always remember the way she made me feel.
She maintained a sense of unconditional love and security. The way she talked (not specifically the content of her words) was filled with compassion and the utmost concern. I felt appreciated and fucking worth it. She knew I was broken, and chose to lift me up, not just with words, but energetically connected to the moment completely.
I sat in that room, with just another woman, and had my breakthrough. That light inside her heart, the confidence in her spirit, and the beauty in her mind was something I’d never seen before.
So I decided, right then and there
I want to be happy like you
I want to be beautiful like you
I want to be apart of something bigger
I want to move my hips like I can move mountains
I want to know the woman that you see in me
I want to love her
For the first time in my life.
I made the promise to myself to see this through. I would do anything. The beauty that she holds is attainable and very possible, I had to remind myself.
After the first session of Reiki healing and chakra balancing, my body quickly woke up along with my heart. I tried to find the pain that relentlessly tormented me each night, and I couldn’t. I was like “What the fuck?” Even the pain-pills could not completely take away all the pain unless I induced a coma-like state.
Oh she got me
Still to this day, I remember her hands barely touching my shoulders and feet. I don’t know how she did what she did, but I do believe in the power of healing.
I began the session trying to be tough and not let her see my scars. Slowly and unobtrusively she helped me unravel all the bullshit that decorated my beautiful soul.
I walked out of the studio about an hour later
Sat in my car and digested what the hell just happened.
I couldn’t stop smiling
I couldn’t stop giggling like a little girl
I caught a glimpse of my sexy blue eyes in the rear view mirror, and this time, I simply smiled and revealed to myself the beauty in my Spirit.
I saw the woman that Alisa saw behind the elusive mess.
She was there the entire time.
My eyes continually learn to show me, a new kind of beauty. Instead of focusing on my shit; “What I didn’t do”, “how I could have blown them away”, “what I didn’t say”, “How I let her down”, “I can do it all myself”, “Maybe I’m just not that good”, or “God your dumb”. I started by acknowledging my beauty; Counting my wins, knowing my strengths, manifesting my dreams, creating boundaries to respect myself.
I began by simply looking in the mirror and saying “I love you”.
You better believe when I started doing this that voice in my head was like “haha please….Oh I love you.” I let that shit slide… Smiled again and felt my words to be true all the way down to my cells. Over time the fucked up voice faded and the humor of the thought morphed into reality.
So like this page, it doesn’t just have words, spaces, or letters. This page has depth past the definition of every word and is carefully laced with pieces of my heart.
To most, its just another blog.
To me and the Souls that delve into beauty, mystery, and magic this page perfectly compliments that place, that person, that memory and brings them to life.
Beauty to me, is choosing life and love.
I choose love
The unconditional kind.
May we all Walk in Beauty each and every moment
of each and every day
Until another time,
The one and only Hot Sauce
September 26th, 2015
To all those who;
Wander, Create, Manifest, Imagine, Dream, Inspire, take Chances, but most importantly, believe in beauty.
I invite you to the mat.
I invite you, personally, to learn how to love and create everything you could ever possibly dream of. Love the person reading this content, unconditionally. Which, honestly, was a really foreign perspective for myself in the beginning. I compulsively drank too much, drugs were my character, starved my body to the bone, destroyed my mind with every fucked up thought, believed myself to be the victim of every blow, and believed ‘happiness’ to be a foreign, unattainable territory. I created this hell, because it was taught to me.
EVERY person has a story, a path, a purpose, and more people that love them than they realize. Shattered, broken, jaded, and hopeless I found myself in a jail cell.
Who am I?
Am I a fuck up? Am I a County Inmate to Snohomish County Correctional facility?
I looked at my face, for the first time, in that worthless mirror. What did I do? Who did I become?
I began to remember my dreams, my goals, what made me Kasey, Kasey.
I thought green was my favorite color, like weed.
I thought white purified me with every line of coke.
The pink, blue, orange, green, and violet tablets reminded me how to feel untouchable.
I thought the minty pills and methadone, eased my mind.
I duped myself, when I met Molly and thought she was healthy.
Mushrooms taught me how to feel the monsters inside me,
The almost handed over my life to the inhalants, willingly.
The Oxy’s created a monster that I’d never met before.
The one looking at me right now.
I didn’t even know who I was.
What do I like?
What don’t I?
Am I good at fucking anything?
Do I have a dream to save my life?
Why would anyone want to spend their time, with….
The more I ran, the more I medicated, the more I mixed my demons and my choices, it was just a matter of time.
There is an end
and its not now.
I want this
I want my life
I decided I would do anything
I wouldn’t give up
I would become someone that I wanted to meet
Someone I could believe in
I would do anything
Shave my head
Cut my tit off
Light my life on fire
because the flames were already surrounding me.
I don’t know what you saw in me
still to this day
I will never forget that look in your eyes when you looked at
My sickness seeped out through every pore in my body
and what I saw
I would have ran
with every cell in my body.
You found me
God, at the right or wrong time?
I will still always wonder…
Its the tear in your heart
you feel immensely
with each passing thought.
I did what I said for once in my life.
I did it
I fucking did it.
Thank you for this blog,
Thank you for this life
Thank you for breath
Thank you for Yoga
Thank you for healing
Thank you for love
Thank you for darkness
Thank you for transforming it to light
Thank you those weak moments
Thank you for the strength to endure
Thank you for my path
Thank you for my Journey
Thank you for my story
Thank you for my life.
Thank you for this earth
and Thank you for the moon
The stars that lit the way
The sun that recharged me
The wind that blew through me
The ground beneath me.
Thank you for each and every beautiful soul
apart of my life.
Thank you for forgiving me
Thank you for embracing me
Thank you for seeing my beauty
when I thought it had disappeared forever.
Thank you for wiping my tears
Thank you for picking me up off the floor
Thank you for telling me that I am beautiful when I cry
Thank you for seeing my darkness
Thank you for staying
You will never know
What you did for me.